If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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