Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
