If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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