If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
