Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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