Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
im holly from the hills drunk
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Randomize
