I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
