A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
