There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
im holly from the hills drunk
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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