at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
