an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
