When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
