can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
