it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
