the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
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