I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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