Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
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