my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Randomize
