I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
