I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
You're a waste of cheezeits
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
