Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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