I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
