Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
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