Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
