Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
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