These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Randomize
