I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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