Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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