My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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