Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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