and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
