Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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