I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
