his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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