We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
