Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
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