Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
