where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
