sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
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