i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
