if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
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