got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
