my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
