why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Randomize
