If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
