I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
How does it feel to date your dad?
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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