I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
