my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Last time i carry you out of a forest
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
And then the night went full on bisexual.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
