The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
a search helicopter?!
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
