she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
