Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Randomize
