There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
i wish my penis had a tongue
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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