he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
