haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
