I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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