You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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