finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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