Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
