may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
