Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
