Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
