i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
