i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
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