I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize