I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
