Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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