So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
