We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Everyone says I win the strip club
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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