So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
