he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
