forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
