I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
